Pet of the Month

METAL ZOEYMy name is Zoey Zo, but my fans call me Hellhammer. My hair is quite long, like my history of appreciation for speedballs (like the time backstage at a Motorhead show where I did all of Lemmy’s drugs)! (He was so mad but then I gave him a cute look and he cracked!) (I’m a pro at manipulating these human beings!) (As I’m also a pro at name-dropping.) (Speaking of “dropping,” I’ve been called the “GG Allin” of puppies (probably due to my love of pooping in random places).) (I’m like the johnny appleseed of poop!) (Except I am a girl.) 

I am quite the rebel, if I say so myself. Total rock and roll. Just last week I was at Evan Dando’s and when he went to pee (in some strange special room!) I helped myself to ALL his meth (and when I say “all” I mean it!) — I was flying for hours! Top THAT, Iggy Pop! (Thank god I don’t have a job that I could lose!) (I can also do unlimited drugs and never become homeless!) (It’s great being a girl!) (And thank god Evan is still getting royalty checks!) 

I enjoy listening to very heavy music.

(Once, I heard Mumford and Sons and I puked all over the place!) (Embarrassing!) (Not the hating-mumford part. The vomit part.) I shared some hillbilly heroin with Juliana Hatfield, as we listened to Slayer’s Greatest Hits and she promised me her next record will be “blistering” (although she could’ve said that her fingers were blistering) (my long hair hampers my listening abilities) (ditto the heavy music) (maybe the drugs do too).

In my spare time, I enjoy looking for places to poop that I haven’t pooped on before, and I always get a kick out of angering humans, only to reduce them to puddles of love with a quick tilt of my adorable head. (I’m going to start referring to my surprise urination locations as “puddles of love”!) My favorite food? Whatever you are eating, every time you’re eating!

I’d tell you to follow my blog, but that’s so 2013!

   xoxox (you can’t stop me from kissing you!),


(My lackey is Rope Burn, lead “singer” of Swallowers of Satan [S.O.S], the finest a cappella black-metal act I’ve ever pooped on.)

(Maybe they were actually brown-metal?)

(That’s a poop-joke, fyi.)

(I fear I may have a one-poop mind.)

Contact: Sascha Murillo <>

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