Rita: You should see my melons! Lolita: What?! Rita: Everyone is envious of my Charantais! Lolita:
Did you say Sharon Tate? Isn’t she the actress who was done in by
Charles Manson? Rita: No, I’m talking about my melons. Lolita:
Remember that T Max wants us to clean up our repartee. Rita: Hey! I rinse the soil off my melons everyday.
Don’t want any bugs infesting them. Lolita: Now you’re getting creepy. Rita:
Okay then, let’s get down and dirty. I’m talking about the dirt
of the earth and the sweat you build up by working with your hands in
the soil to bring new life to flowers and vegetables. Will you stop
with all the faces, Lolita, and find out who’s into gardening? Lolita:
Okay, but I’m going to leave out all the dirty parts.
IN MY GARDEN
Lolita: Ahh, Liz, please help me—I think I may
have caught some bugs from Rita. She’s all dirty and wants to know
if you’re doing anything in the garden this year.
LIZ BORDEN (Liz Borden Band):
I am an urban farmer. I have a city garden plot and I am growing a variety
of eggplant, zucchini, summer squash, all kinds of tomatoes, cucumbers,
a variety of peppers, lettuce, pumpkins, watermelon, strawberries, basil,
sage, and flowers. I plan to live off the food for the summer! *** CORIN ASHLEY
(Corin Ashley): Harrison and I planted a variety of tomatoes—some
in the ground and some in the Topsy Turvy hanging planters—and we
have some nice lettuce, string beans, and carrots coming up as well.
Mostly, Harrison likes to point out to everybody that there is poop
in the fertilizer. *** KAREN
DeBIASSE (Girl On Top): We
can’t talk about that… but, really. I’ve decided on no real plants
this year. It’s too hard watering them sometimes twice a day, not
being able to take a vacation because of the plants, and then having
them die anyway in the winter. I have my own private tropical paradise
right in my Somerville backyard with plants that look real but are tropical
fakes. *** SAMMY MIAMI (Houndstone): I’ve been farming a rock garden
for as long as I can remember. For the last five years I was growing
guitar players, but recently I’ve been planting for bassists and drummers.
Even though most of my crops eventually uproot and join other gardens,
I’ve had pretty good luck considering there’s no sunlight. *** RUBY BIRD
(Bird Mancini): Flowers and berries to attract birds, bees, and butterflies!
No veggies this year, since Bird Mancini is doing a Farmer’s Market
Fresh Produce Tour this summer. We’ll have ample opportunity to buy
good food direct from farmers who are much better at growing it than
I am! *** PETER MOORE (Count Zero): Why, yes, funny you should ask.
Lettuce, spinach, kale, arugula, beets, carrots, bush beans, radishes,
tomatoes, basil, cilantro, cucumbers, broccoli, parsley, spearmint,
and celery. *** FRANCIS
DIMENNO (Wrong Hero/ the Noise):
Sugar snap peas, tomatoes, pumpkins, zucchini, leeks, summer squash,
oregano, basil, watermelon, and Turkish black carrots courtesy of Dave
McMahon. *** MS. DONNA (Lowbudget Records photographer): For our
petite garden, we have put in two tomato selections: Early Girl and
Big Boy. We also have our perennial crop of herbs: basil, chives, mint,
oregano, parsley, and sage. Mmmm-mmm—good eatin’ ahead! *** LINDA VIENS
(Angeline): In my sweet backyard garden I am growing all kinds of flowers,
peonies, flox, roses, etc., and also a gorgeous herb garden filled with
chives, tarragon, parsley, basil, oregano, many kinds of mint, thyme,
and of course, catnip, for the head cat of the house! Lolita: I didn’t know Linda was running a brothel.
I could use some work. Rita: She’s talking about her feline! Lolita:
Yeah, isn’t that a French fräulein?
Rita: While Lolita ruins languages that she doesn’t
understand, I’ll serve you the news… JENNY DEE & THE DEELINQUENTS
were in the June issue of Spin magazine—featured in the “Songs You Must
Hear Now” section on page 48! *** House of Blues (Lansdowne Street)
is now booking local music in the front room. Bands interested in playing
the venue should contact JOSH
ALLAIN at email@example.com.
*** Guitar Center and KISS have come up with a plan to get 22 bands
from local markets across the States to engage in a competition to open
for the next KISS tour. Then Kiss will pick their favorite opener
to win a $10,000 shopping spree at Guitar Center. Register at GCOnstage.com
before September 1. *** WMBR went off the air for about 12 hours on
June 1st after lightning hit their transmitter. *** HAVE
NOTS opened for DROPKICK MURPHYS’ tour of the southeast during June.
*** Ironic North Shore Music Booking Agency was recently launched. If
you’re a venue looking for bands or a band/artist looking to be booked,
contact LINDA SOMMA at firstname.lastname@example.org. *** If you couldn’t
get into see ALLOY ORCHESTRA play their score for Metropolis, they’re doing it again on March 5, 2011.
Their score will also finally be included on a DVD (released by Kino)
of the classic film. *** MUCK & THE MIRES played the Steve Katsos Show in June. *** Low Budget Records of Roslindale,
Massachusetts, celebrated their 31st anniversary. *** KEVIN HOSKINS,
booker for the Middle East for the past seven years, has taken the job
of booking Emo’s in Austin, Texas. KIERAN
FALLON graduates from box office
manager to Downstairs booker. We wish both Kevin and Kieran the best
of luck in their new ventures. *** The Boston Blues Society is having
their 2010 Boston Blues Challenge at Johnny D’s in October. All interested
bands should go to www.bostonblues.com to register and to see more info.
*** Remember BLEU? The guy who sang a song saying he’d never move
to Hollywood, then he did. Well, he now has a song called “B.O.S.T.O.N.”
Listen to the demo at http://soundcloud.com/bleutopia/bleu-b-o-s-t-o-n-demo.
*** Girls Rock Camp (8/2-8/7), founded by Boston musicians MARY LOU LORD
and HILKEN MANCINI is designed to teach girls between the age
of 8-16, self esteem through music, creation and performance. For more
info go to girlsrockboaton.org. *** Every Wednesday afternoon from 1-2pm
Passim presents free outdoor lunchtime concerts in both Harvard Square
(outside Passim) and Kendal Square (in the courtyard of Cambridge Center
Plaza). *** Stay tuned for the 50th episode of Bandwidth TV, featuring
RAZORS IN THE NIGHT, which will air throughout August. To commemorate
this landmark, there will be a 25-hour Bandwidth TV marathon, beginning
Friday, August 6 at 11:30 pm on CCTV Channel 10. Catch up with every
Bandwidth episode ever produced. Lolita: Next issue we plan to write about MARISSA ACOSTA,
who heads up Bandwidth TV.
Rita: Have you ever heard of Parents’ Day? It’s
an official holiday on July 25. I figured I better ask people how this
holiday should be celebrated…
JASON DUGUAY (Project Sound): Warm
Budweiser, cold champagne and a heavy heart. *** MARK
KAYE (Hear Now Live): I honestly
feel like my five year old son (Mark, Jr.) should go all out on me this
year for Parents Day. What I would like to see done is breakfast in
bed, the yard work done, all the month’s booking for Hear Now Live
done and maybe a gift certificate to a bed and breakfast so I can get
away from all the mayhem and take my girlfriend out of my world for
a day or two. This would be the perfect Parents Day gift to me from
Junior and that is how this year’s Parents’ Day should be celebrated.
*** FRANK E. BUTKUS (the Freeways): On Parents’ Day allow the
minimum 30-minute phone call. Mail a card with money. Or bake a cake
and allow the minimum two-hour visit. Lolita: Is this advice coming from the parent angle
or the child angle? Frank: It applies to both, yet children should send
cash only. Parents could send cash or check. *** DAVID
KIRKDORFFER (the Blank Attack/
UNDO): How to celebrate Parents’ Day? By paying your Pa’s rent,
of course. *** DAVID DELUCA (Highway Ghosts): Spend the day with your
parents, have a couple of drinks and just talk! No TV, no Internet…
just catch up on actually conversing with each other. Most of us get so busy
with our daily grind that we forget to connect to those closest to us.
*** KIER BYRNES (Three Day Threshold): Unfortunately, I’ll
be in classroom all day attending a seminar that’s part of my Law
and Policy doctorate program. I would suggest other people do something
more fun. Lolita: Kier, that will be so much fun when we can
start calling you Dr. Byrnes. Rita: Doctor Byrnes you’re needed in the O.R.
It appears from an X-ray that you left your guitar pick inside your
heart transplant patient.
Lolita: Okay, we know that Kier Byrnes is not going
to be that kind of doctor, but maybe I’ll let him examine me anyway.
I think I may have two lumps, but maybe they’re just bumps in my breasts. Rita:
Lolita, you’re a pathetic slut. Lolita: Would it make any difference if I were a
capable slut? Rita: A slut is a slut. Now let’s find out about
some musicians active in playing musical chairs…
ADAM BOUCHARD (x-Veronica Black
Morphius Nipple), RONAN
ERIC DONAHUE (x-Ad Frank &
the Fast Easy Women.), and JASON
BREWER now play together as
COOLING TOWERS. *** ZAC
TAYLOR (Three Day Threshold)
is playing as a solo artist and released his CD, Salesman, recently. *** BOBBY GAUDREAU & THE BLUE
SPOTLIGHT is BOBBY GAUDREAU (the Queers/ Facts About Rats), JIM DELIOS
(the Voodoo Dolls), MATT
GILBERT (Harlequin) and BRIAN PACKER
(the Marvels). *** DYS reunites at Club Lido on 8/29. The performance
will be part of the upcoming film, xxx
ALL AGES xxx. Also included
in the film are JERRY’S KIDS, GANG GREEN, and THE FUs. *** THE FUTURE
EVERYBODY is NATE ROGERS (Scamper), MIKE
MIRABELLA (Scamper), MATT GIRARD
(Motion Sick), along with newcomers MORGAN
TERRINONI and VERONICA
DALE. *** KEVIN
McMAHON is leaving the Rationales
following the birth of his son. The Rationales will continue to work
as a four piece while they search for a new second guitarist. *** BILL BRACKEN
(Age Against the Machine), DEEK (x-WBCN), and TIM
LOWMAN put together a side
project called ANKLELOCK. They added GARY
CHERONE (x-Van Halen/ Extreme)
on vocals and now have a hit (#27) on the charts in Finland with “Comin’
to Get You.” Lolita: Isn’t that what JIMI
HENDRIX says near the end of
“Foxy Lady”? You do know he wrote that song about me?
OIL IN THE GULF
Rita: While Lolita digs deep into her twisted imagination,
I’m going to ask about the oil spill. Lolita: I heard you talking about that spot of olive
oil on my skirt? Rita: Lolita, you’re helpless. How did you get
through life this far with that mind of yours? Lolita: When you have a body like mine, you don’t
need a mind. Rita: Well, excuse me, but I’m going to continue
to talk about that spot on your dress. The oil spill in the Gulf of
Mexico certainly should be a wake up call on our dependency on oil and
the lack of regulations that protect our planet’s eco systems? You’re
the president—what should be done? KEN
FIELD (Revolutionary Snake
Ensemble/ Birdsongs of the Mesozoic): Increased federal support of renewable
energy technology research, supported by an increase in the federal
gasoline tax! We still pay way less for our gas than most of the
rest of the world. *** DAVE
TREE (SuperPower/ Tree): I
would legalize weed, grow it in large quantities, use it as a rotator
crop then turn hemp into ethanol. Make BP pay. Make Haliburton pay.
And put the oil companies out of business. We don’t need them, we
never did. We can grow our own fuel that burns cleaner—grow GREEN!
*** SIMON RITT (the Darlings): Air Force One consumes five
gallons of fuel per mile, costing U.S. taxpayers some $56,000.00 per flying hour.
If I were president I’d lead by example and stop using it frivolously
such as for date nights with Michelle, phony baloney Town Hall meetings
or zipping over to Chicago just to have his haircut by favorite barber.
I am certain that there are barbers In Washington, DC. Or better yet—I’ll
cut his hair for him, then his doo would look as good as mine. He’d
be one styling Kenyan! *** JASON
WILSON (J. Weatherman &
the Praire Fire): Pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan immediately.
Use the money we’ve now saved in “defense” dollars to get smart
people to fix the problem, independently of Big Oil. Then hand a nice
invoice to British Petroleum to pay for all of the damages. We can make
the executives themselves get on hand and knee with toothbrushes to
clean every square inch of the Gulf. When that’s finished, we use
every cent left to ship all the Big Oil folks to Monster Island while
we really utilize renewable energy without those meddling kids around.
*** MATT OZ (Aloha Sarcophagus): Declare state of emergency,
take control of all troops and instate yourself as the socialist leader
for life, resurrect Castro and murder your enemies. The oil thing will
take care of itself. *** EDRIE (Walter Sickert & the Army of Broken Toys):
North Dakota is a gigantic wind tunnel—I’d harness that energy using
thousands of wind turbines to fuel our brand new fleet of electric cars!
While that was happening I would use Sarah Palin’s merkins to soak
up the oil in the gulf. Lolita: Edrie, you are so cute. I never even knew
that my little decorative pubic wig was called a merkin. I think I can
place my merkin over the oil spill on my dress and no one will even
notice it. Isn’t it great how I can come up with a simple solution
to an oil spill?
ALL GOIN’ OUT
Rita: Wow. How have I done a column with Lolita
for this long and survived? Maybe I should be more sensitive—she might
be coming down with Alzhimer’s at her age. Lolita: Back off, Rita! You know I’m 28 and I’m
free of any disease. I just want to get that across to all our readers
who fantasize about me, especially Paul. Yes, Paul who sent a comment
to us on this website—we included his comment in our incoming mail
column in the print issue. Paul, if you want to come stare at me, I’ll
be at the following shows… Every Sunday in July INGE BERGE
resides at the Dog Bar in Gloucester. *** GREG
HAWKES is joined by Real School
students at Johnny D’s on Thursday, 7/1. *** EVERYDAY VISUALS play
the Middle East Downstairs on Friday, 7/2. *** DREAMCHILD is at the
Cantab on Saturday, 7/10. *** ROBBY
ROADSTEAMER, I mean ROB POTYLO
releases his new CD at T.T. the Bear’s on Thursday, 7/15. *** Same
night, get funky with NIGHTIME
GALLAGHER at Zuzu. *** On Friday,
7/16, SHAUN WOLF WORTIS presents the 17th annual Bastile
Day a-Go-Go starring his Vudu Krewe and All Star Band at Precinct. *** There's an all-ages All Day Heavy Metal BBQ at the Midway on Saturday, 7/17. The show starts at 4:00 with DUNCAN WILDER JOHNSON's new band BRING THE KNIFE. *** JENEE HALSTEAD
plays the Hard Rock Café, Boston, on Thursday, 7/29. *** On Friday, 7/30, AL SHEINFELD and JIM FOLEY have put ogether Monsters of the Midway—Joe Coughlin Benefit. Joe's health has gone south and a bunch of heavy hitters will step up to the stage for him. *** AGE OF END
hits Oxxfest at Wiscasset Raceway on Saturday, 7/31. *** That same night
THE RUDDS return to Johnny D’s. *** WILLIE
ALEXANDER plays the Rhumb Line
on Thursday, 8/12, with BILLY
LOOSIGIAN. *** NEPTUNE makes
noise at Great Scott on Wednesday, 8/14. *** The Salem Jazz and Soul
Festival begins on Saturday, 8/21. One of the many-featured artists
is MISS TESS & THE BON TON PARADE. Rita: Have a great summer. Check thenoise-boston
in August—we’ll have a surprise for you. Lolita: I know you; you’re probably planning to
show them your melons. Rita: Close—I think my tomatoes will be more
impressive. See you in the clubs and at the festivals!