5/10/15/20 April 2010

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By T Max and Lolita
Flange

5 YEARS AGO

April 2005    Issue #250

Cover: Rocket Science, the Cyanide
Valentine, Gobshites, Baby Boy H, Clickers, Night Rally, New Findings
in the Colonoscopy Controversy

Bands: UV Protection (I miss those strange arty operatic
gals
), the Bags, Dear Leader, Willie
Alexander & the Boom Boom Band, Moki

Gossip & Stuff: I forgot
how controversial my colonoscopy photos were.
I
know Rita and I made a big stink about the photos—we knew it was our
duty to flush out the stinkin’ truth.

Okay, so you found one photo that appeared to have my head in it. I
don’t think it really proved anything. ***
We
asked bands what was their biggest selling point, and Amanda Palmer
(Dresden Dolls) admitted it was her crotch light, her hairy armpits,
and her beer gut.
She continued
that her cross-dressing pussy-whipped drummer came in a close second.
*** Lenny Lashley (Darkbuster) says his band still gets gigs because
of the amount of beer sales the club piles up with all the beer throwing
by their fans. *** Lyres’ big draw is that they don’t use the word
“the” before their name… so professes Jeff Conolly.
I think you mean Pokemonojeff. Right. How could I get that wrong? *** Just
five years ago the Classic Ruins released an album on vinyl only. ***
More band selling points: Rick Berlin believes it’s his elderly farting
homosexual factor.
He
claims it to be a big plus out there in the teen market
.
*** Lorenzo of Doctor Frog insists that his band’s biggest selling
point is that they are simply better than any other band.
Doctor who?
***
This is the
issue that Lexi Kahn wrote me a most nasty letter in Klingon.
Oh, you can read Klingon? Well,
the syllables sounded really nasty.
I
think she was actually complimenting the ridges on your mother’s forehead.

10 YEARS AGO

April 2000    Issue #200

Cover: Alloy Orchestra, the
Damn Personals, Quick Fix

Bands: The Pills, Burning Sensations,
Three Day Threshold, Scissorfight, Reverse, Asa Brebner, the Syphlloids
(
their ads in the
Noise were so sexual, you could smell them
),
Star Ghost Dog, Ms. Pigeon, Heidi, Incus, Girl on Top, the Buckners,
the Operators, Freezepop (
the
only band to successfully steal Lawrence Welk’s idea of mixing bubbles
with music
)

Gossip & Stuff: Noise writers
get a radio show on radioboston.com and find out how much effort is
put into doing a local radio show. *** Chandler Travis is stricken with
mallet finger and has to wear a sling for six to eight weeks.
Is that mallet like a hammer
or did a duck bite him?
It’s
a Mallard duck so he must have whacked himself trying to hang one of
Asa Brebner’s paintings. *** Wow, five years later and Lexi Kahn is
still insulting you, Lolita. What did you ever do to her?
It’s a long story that involves
her famous brother Michael Lombardi (Rescue Me) who carried me
out of a fire and saved my life.

You mean Michael really is a firefighter?
No,
you see some guys think I’m so hot, I kinda start a fire
. Are you sure you aren’t mixing this up
with the flaming bag of turds that was left on your doorstep? *** Corin
Ashley picks up an endorsement for hollow body Epiphone basses. Does
that mean he could get as many basses as he wanted for free?
Well, let’s stop everything
and ask Corin…
Corin: I
basically got one free bass. It was an Epiphone Rivoli and I had to
send them press from Spain that featured me using it. Only thing was,
it wasn't as good as an old ’60s Rivoli, kind of a cheap knock-off.
I paid for the Epiphone Casino I've gotten since then.

15 YEARS AGO

April 1995    Issue #149

Cover: The Upper Crust, One
of Us (
yes, that’s
the same John Eye who is on the cover of the current issue
)

Bands: Birdsongs of the Mesozoic,
DMZ, Incredible Casuals, Slide, Dirt Merchants, Swank, Rattle Heater,
Women of Sodom, Epileptic Disco (
some
people were very upset about this band’s name),

the Keith Bownice Experience (
I
remember something about a drummer getting punched out during a show
at Club Bohemia
)

Gossip & Stuff: The Upper
Crust performs on Late Night with Conan O’Brien.
That has to be one of the best
TV live performances by a local band. The guys even got to chat with
Conan over at his desk—and of course they stayed in character
. *** Jennifer Trynin signs with Warner Brothers
and lets us know that she still deals with feeling like crap at least
once a day. *** A handful of great bands are just getting started—the
Pills, Poundcake, Trona, Jocobono, and the Goblins. *** Beloved and
respected long-time doorman of the Rat, Mitch Cerul, dies of cancer
on 3/21/95. *** Ken Field takes up a full paragraph with just listing
the four bands he’s in—Birdsongs of the Mesozoic, Willie Alexander’s
Persistence of Memory Orchestra, Crown Electric Company, and Revolutionary
Snake Ensemble.
All
four bands are amazingly different from each other—and all great
. *** My sci-fi performance art band, the Borg,
with my son, Izzy, gets a live review and I’m reminded that we covered
the theme from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
Yeah,
and I remember you giving out of licorice and CDs while chanting “Lick
the licorice, kiss the swizzle stick.”

20 YEARS AGO

April 1990    Issue #94

Cover: Moving Targets (I remember visiting Kenny Chambers
up in Ipswich back then and playing tennis with him
),
Stormwindow, Bonnie Bouley

Bands: GG Allin, the Neighborhoods,
Slaughter Shack, Gigolo Aunts, Tribe, the Exi’s, the Varmints, the
Stompers (
who knew
you’d be playing with Sal Baglio 20 years later?),

Grand Theft Auto, the Slaves, Ex-Girlfriends, 2,000,000 B.C., Scatterfield,
Gingerbread Men, the Brood, the Void, Randy Black, Dreams Made Flesh

Gossip & Stuff: Hey, this is the issue where
I predict the winner of the Rumble—Slaughter Shack!

*** Steven Fredette comes down with cat scratch fever while on tour
with Scruffy the Cat.
I
remember seeing him destroy a vintage guitar downstairs at the Middle
East in an amazing performance
.
*** The Herald accidentally reports that Joe Walsh is playing
Green Street Station (
it
was actually the local band called Joe
).
A pissed off fan of Joe Walsh’s decided to punch owner Doug Mellon.
Doug is a karate black belt. Need we finish the story? *** In the Beehead
comic strip technology advances —the band picks up a watch that can
transform into a counterfeit Hondo copy of a CBS-era Fender Strat. ***
Noise critic Doug Thoms slams GG Allin’s Doctrine of Mayham,
but GG proceeds to record a spoken word piece over the phone for the
Bulge Psycho
LP.
GG
never even threatened to kill Doug
.

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