Rita & Lolita: Rita and Lolita from Georgetown, Massachusetts, at your service. Rita: We’re all settled into our new office now. We have a desk, filing cabinet, shelves, lights… Lolita: …including two lava lamps… Rita: …a fliptop Ampeg amp… Lolita: …we need to rehearse between paragraphs… Rita: …and a variety of birds that sing on the hour, every hour. Lolita: That’s our clock. Rita: We’re ready to deliver an outstanding Halloween column to you at this very moment. Lolita: I’m putting on my costume right now—don’t try to look around the page to see me half undressed. I need privacy while I transform into Elvira. Rita: I, on the hand, have a very creative costume. I AM the crawling hand. Did you ever see that one? Lolita: Was that you up my thigh on my last Match.com date? Rita: No! I mean the 1963 film about a hand that is able to live on it’s own. Lolita: Wow, does he have his own apartment and pay the rent? Rita: No! It was the detached hand of an astronaut whose mission was aborted and his hand was found in the wreckage that fell back to earth. Lolita: Oh, so he had to give up his apartment. Wait a second—does that mean that you are going to sever your body from your hand? Rita: No, my whole body will be one big severed hand. Lolita: That’s got to be one of the worst costume ideas I ever heard. Rita: Well, remind me to skip any treats for you. I’m placing you on my trick list. Hey, that gives me an idea for our Question of the Month. Lolta: Right. Are you going to ask, what’s the worst idea you ever had for a Halloween costume? Rita: No. Let’s ask some local musicians to tell us about Halloween tricks. Lolita—look! There’s your favorite Barnie. Quick—go ask Pete. Lolita: But I don’t quite have my push-up bra adjusted correctly—you think Pete will mind? Rita: Just go find out about his experiences with tricks!

{mospagebreak title=Tricks Not Treats}


Lolita: Excuse me, Pete, have you ever given or received a Halloween trick? And I don’t mean what I offered you last October 31. PETE SUTTON (Barnies/ Temper): There was this bastard who lived on my street growing up… kind of like Roger Kaputnik from the old Mad magazine days. Every year we’d go trick or treat and he’d always answer the door and bark “Trick!” He’d laugh, give us something shitty, like an apple, which we’d promptly whip back at this house later on in the evening. *** GLENN WILLIAMS (Chill Groove/ Low Budget Records): I can’t believe I’m going to admit this, but when I was a kid I was actually invited to a Halloween party that didn’t exist—invitation and all. Ouch! *** DICK TATE (The Middle East/ the Rocksteady Super Soul Revue): One Halloween as a teenager, my mother gave me $10 to buy candy for the tricker treaters since she was going to be away that night. I bought a dime bag and put a sign on an empty basket outside my front door that read: “On your honor take one.” Amazingly, my house was not egged. *** JEFF BREEZE (Concord Ballet Orchestra Players): My senior year in high school I went out trick or treating with friends. We didn’t go door-to-door; we went out as vigilantes taking candy from the bullies that were stealing it from little kids and giving it back (minus a few 3 Musketeers). *** BRIAN KING (What Time Is It, Mr. Fox?): When I was about 12, my cousin dared me to stand in front of the bedroom mirror, say "I hate you Bloody Mary" and then light the candle she had placed there. Little did I know she had sprayed Aqua Net hairspray on the mirror. When I lit the candle and a quick blue flame engulfed the glass for an explosive second, I screamed like Diamanda Galas. *** ANDY MILK (The Vital Might): I was tricked last year by a cab driver downtown. In chilly weather, and dressed in Reno 911 short-shorts, we hailed down a cab after about an hour. When we said, “We’re headed to JP,” he told us to get out because he didn’t know how to get there. Now, THAT’S a trick! *** WILL DAILEY (Will Dailey): My first Halloween in a new town I went out trick or treating with Quang Ngyuen. Quang and I planned to egg other eggers, except when leaving my house with my four eggs in my jacket pocket, the screen door slammed on me and smashed all four eggs that ran down my side and destroyed my nurse’s uniform. Lolita: No, it didn’t fully destroy your nurses’ uniform—I retrieved it from your trash and gave it a thorough washing. Now I use it whenever I dress up to play doctor.

{mospagebreak title=Genuine News}


: While Lolita, I mean Elvira, changes into her nurse’s uniform, I will read the latest news about real people—not the fake ones that are made up in corporate magazines and newspapers to make you think you really know what’s going on in your neighborhood, state, country, or the world. And did you ever notice that their news is always bad—the latest fire/ accident/ rape/ murder/ or maybe even someone caught with pornography on their computer! Excuse me; I just had to purge the excreta building up in the pit of my consciousness. Back to our healthy community news: JOHNNY BLACK (Johnny Black Trio) is getting married next June and has LOVE BOMB with ROBERT HOLMES (x-’Til Tuesday) playing the reception. *** STEVE FOLSOM (Jamspot) roamed for couple of weeks through Glasgow, Liverpool, London, Dublin, Gothenburg in Sweden, and Tromso in Norway (which is above the arctic circle) to mix BRIAN WILSON’s Summer Greatest Hits tour. While in Dublin he saw IZZY MAXWELL (Count Zero/ Death of the Cool) on TV being interviewed about the Beatles Rockband. *** NICK BLAKEY (the In Out) was in the hospital for 11 days with Crones. A benefit for him was held at Church on 9/6. *** JEFF ROYDS hosts Boston Garage Bands’ Halloween party on Saturday, 10/24, at a new club in Worcester—the Raven (251 Pleasant Street). *** PETER TENTINDO (Britanica) won the Danvers store finals in Guitar Center’s King of the Blues contest. *** Lolita: Congratulations Peter, and good luck moving further up in the competition. Okay—time for my observance of something that’s bugging me. Why was ICE CREAM SOCIAL the band that was asked to headline on International Talk Like A Pirate Day? Shouldn’t they have been featured at an ice cream fest? And why didn’t the pirate-talking-people approach BOSTON JOLLY PIRATES or Boston’s favorite bunch of swashbucklers—the SCALIWAGS? Okay, that’s all I have to say—I’m done. Rita: I’m glad you got that off your treasure chest. Now, Lolita, will you come up with a good question of the month that will get some decent answers. I have to run off to my speak-like-a-pirate lesson.

{mospagebreak title=Lolita’s Debut Question}


: Wow, this may be the first time that Rita has ever let me make up a Question of the Month without her assistance. Since I’m already in my nurse’s outfit, I’ll ask all my friends (my make believe patients) to give me their symptoms, and I’ll give each of them a diagnosis—free of charge. Hey! Evan—you look a little hung over—what are your symptoms? EVAN GAVRY (Three Day Threshold): Every once in a while I wake up in a cold sweat, with a headache and stomach pains. It’s usually after a Three Day Threshold gig. I think someone told me once it’s called the Irish flu, but WebMD doesn’t have any information on it. What do you recommend? Lolita: I’m glad you brought this up. Tell that diseased Betty O’Sullivan that you’re not a trampoline and you don’t enjoy being hit in the head with an ice hammer. If she cooperates, you should recover in a couple of weeks. If not, I recommend that you come to my clinic whenever you think she’s following you home. I will give you a free examination—I need someone to practice on with my scalpel anyway. Rita: Sorry, I forgot my eye patch. What’s this? Is Evan’s answer the only one you got? Lolita: I don’t understand. I tried to look really good to attract a lot people. I thought I was doing fine. I had a line that stretched from Mark Sandman Square to the EMF building—but when Evan ran away from me screaming, the entire line disbursed. Since I have no more answers maybe I can share with our readers that I’ve been enjoying open mics lately. They are all over the place. If you are running an open mic, invite us to it and we'll give you a plug. Rita: Are you expecting something in return? Lolita: Well, maybe I can just get up and sing. Rita: Well, isn’t that what’s supposed to happen at an open mic?

{mospagebreak title=Musical Chairs}


Lolita: I’m through being a nurse. I want to be a flapper now. I like doing the Charleston. And while I dance, Rita will update you on new bands, new members, and reunions of bands. Rita: That’s right. If your band recently got a new member, let us know. Here’s what I got—THE ODDS featuring JJ RASSLER (x-DMZ/x-the Queers/the Downbeat 5) and PRESTON WAYNE (x-DMZ/ Preston Wayne 4) reunited after a 20-year rest on 9/12 at Precinct. *** We failed to mention last month that RICK BARTON’s new band, CONTINENTAL, includes his son STEPHEN BARTON on bass. *** The members of STARS CRASHING CARS are DEREK SCHANCHE (Señor Happy), PAT EMSWEILER (the Sterlings/ Space Shots), and TOM POLCE (Señor Happy/Letters to Cleo). *** THE DOWNBEAT 5 has picked up drummer JEFF NORCROSS (Weisstranauts/ Paula Kelly) and they’ll be coming back with a whole lot of new material. *** JOSH LATTANZI (Jen Trynin/ Señor Happy) joined the TINTED WINDOWS’ touring band. *** VOODOO SCREW MACHINE has added a new second guitarist, MR. B. TALLS. Catch his debut with the band on 10/10 at the Dodge Street Grill. *** The band EDITH is now known as THE VIVS. *** ERIN HARPE and JIM COUNTRYMAN (Lovewhip) have formed a new group around Erin’s acoustic blues called ERIN HARPE & THE DELTA SWINGERS. *** BARRENCE WHITFIELD & THE MONKEY HIPS feature AL SHEINFELD on guitar, JIM HAGGERTY on bass, TAURAS BISKIS on drums, MARIO PERRETT on sax, and of course, BARRENCE WHITFIELD on vocals. *** JJ RASSLER (the Downbeat 5) has a new project that he was going to call MONKEYLAND, but felt it was encroaching on Monkey Hips. So, even though they haven’t settled on a name yet, they’ll be debuting sometime around Christmas. Lolita: This is our Halloween issue. We’re not allowed to mention Christmas yet. Rita: But it involves monkeys. They could be those scary flying monkeys and they make me think of Halloween. Lolita: They are not scary—you probably could just throw water on them and they’d melt.

{mospagebreak title=the Scariest}


Rita: Lolita, sit back in the land of Oz and watch a professional gossip columnist ask a proper question of the month. Gary, and the rest of you waiting on line outside the Middle East, would you please tell me about the scariest situation you’ve ever experienced. GARY WALEIK (Big Dipper): My stereo broke and I couldn’t listen to Pink Flag, Forever Changes, the Quality of Mercy is Not Strain’d, or the Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society for weeks. *** RICK BERLIN (on his own): Bahamas. College. 21. Slalom water skiing off the beach where Goldfinger was being shot. A gigantic white shark follows in my wake, fin like a sail out of water, close. Scary close. I realize this when the guy in the boat waves his arms in panic. I lean in towards the shore, skim into shallow water and skid up onto the sand heart in mouth. Shark slithers back out into the dark deep. *** CARLENE BAROUS (Carlene Barous/ Temper): The scariest situation I’ve ever been in is when a trusted person in the teaching profession kept me back in his office after hours, and continued to try to keep me there after much ado. I talked my way out of it, and once out the office, ran! And I was never so happy to see the silly little Ford Ranger my Dad had lent me, which started up immediately. This was my first get-away car for sure. *** ERIC WELSH (Chillhouse Studios): I went deep-sea fishing for shark and the boat caught on fire and sank about 15-plus miles out. Smoke started coming out of the fishing pole holders and the captain therefore opened up the bottom area where the life jackets were located and a bomb of smoke hit him in the face as he opened the door, like a back-draft. After many attempts with closed eyes, he was able to grab enough life jackets for everyone and we eventually jumped off the stern into an icy ocean. A boat picked us up before the coast guard arrived. *** IAN ADAMS (Ian Adams): Years ago I lived in an apartment on Hillside Street in Mission Hill. One night my girlfriend and I were awakened by the bed shaking so violently that we thought there was an earthquake, until we realized that nothing else in the room was moving. The whole incident lasted about five minutes. The next day we asked the housemates if they felt anything and they said “no.” After that we never slept in that bed again, and moved out within a week. Poltergeist? I dunno, but it freaked me the fuck out. *** KAREN DeBIASSE (Girl On Top): When I was very young we had company staying over and I was assigned a mattress on the floor by the front door. I couldn’t sleep that night for some reason—intuition. All of a sudden I heard footsteps approaching the door and then boom—the door kicked in, swinging back and forth from the force, and then footsteps running away. What the heck? *** ERIK LINDGREN (Birdsongs of the Mesozoic/ Arf Arf Records): While running audio at a video studio during a shoot in the early ‘80s, I briefly fell asleep at the mixing board and immediately woke up when the producer dug his fingers into my shoulder and said in a hushed voice “You fucked … you fucked up…). The scariest part was that he was an ex-Marine and I thought he was going to kill me on the spot. *** FRANCIS DiMENNO (Wrong Hero/ the Noise): On March 2, 2007, in a blizzard, I skidded out on the Mass Pike eastbound about 15 miles out of Ludlow. Even though I took evasive measures, I thought for sure I was going to hit the guardrail head-on. However, both the guardrail and my bumper were coated with thick ice, and through some accident of fate I only skimmed it. I’ve been in worse fixes, but I though for sure that this was going to be the end. *** RAY MASON (Ray Mason Band/ Lonesome Brothers): On February 23rd, 1970 the band I was in was approaching Atlanta for a gig when we were fired upon from a vehicle in the passing lane on the highway. The guitar player, who was sitting next to me in the back seat, was shot in the head. He miraculously survived. Definitely the scariest situation I’ve ever been in! Lolita: Woha! Did you determine why your band was shot at? RAY: We think it was because we had long hair. After the shots, the car floored it. It was dark so we didn’t get a plate number or description. We then got off the next exit to a gas station and called for an ambulance. *** GLENN MATTO (All Mod Cons): My scariest moment I’ll keep to the basics. I was a 20-year-old novice skier who found himself on Killington’s highest peak with a couple of friends. We seemed to have ignored the signs “expert skiers only.” Once off the chair lift, we were forced to negotiate our way down double black diamond trails with catchy names like Plummet and Back Breaker. In Spinal Tap terms, these trails were all elevens. I eventually gave up skiing… and golf (that’s a whole other story). *** RUBY BIRD (Bird Mancini): My scariest story actually led to a song. “The Other Side” (from the CD Funny Day) came to me shortly after a near-death experience in the ocean, as the currents were pulling me out to sea faster than I could swim back in. Strangely, I was calm while thinking, well, this is it, but became quite freaked out after I was rescued and back on shore. It was a long time before I could sleep well again. I’m forever changed and now look at life through more grateful eyes. *** CORIN ASHLEY (himself): Why, just last week I was up in New Hampshire and we took wee Harrison to a ski resort so he could do some of the activities. They had a wading pool and a trampoline and he loved it. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to take him on the chair lift (it was his idea), so my wife and I hopped on the ski lift with our boy and immediately realized that it was a truly terrible idea. For the next hour, we held onto our very squirmy three year old while we rode all the way up the mountain and all the way back, 60 feet in the air with nothing but that bullshit little pull-over bar to keep our only child from being dashed on the rocks below. I nearly shat myself. For real. *** SIMON RITT (the Darlings): The scariest situation I probably was ever was when I was held up at gunpoint while working alone, at night, at a Tenneco self-serve gas station in Central Florida. I don’t know who was more frightened, me or the robber, but after a brief struggle he was gone with 200 bucks in a black late model Buick Regal with red interior. Thanks to my level headedness and keen powers of observation the police apprehended him in near record time. He received a 27-year prison sentence. I quit the Tenneco and got a job at a record store. *** JAY ALLEN (… & the Archcriminals): Many years ago I was working the family business, a run-down, should-have-been-condemned, amusement park. An obnoxious real estate developer pressured us to close down and sell the property to him. My great Uncle Cap refused to sell. I was closing up shop one night when I heard some rattling and moaning. There was a legend regarding the haunting of this place, dating back to a Ferris wheel mishap where a couple of lovebirds had perished, but I has always dismissed as hogwash. The moaning continued until I thought I had seen the spirits of the two deceased. Scared the ever-lovin &^%* out of me. Later someone revealed to me that the “ghosts” were a hoax perpetrated by the scumbag developer. *** A.J. WACHTEL (speaking): I used to visit the Western Front regularly when I covered the scene. During the week it had reggae music and mixed crowds but on Sunday it was wall-to-wall Haitian and I would usually be the only white guy there. Once, the manager, Pam Sylvia, caught me and three new Haitian friends smoking herb out in the open and she “punished” us by locking us in the cooler with the lights off. There I was, in pitch black, with three angry Haitians bumping into me and all the cases of Red Stripe. I thought, “this could turn out ugly,” but one of them had a lighter, and I had my pipe, and then another discovered he had a can opener—so we continued to smoke herb and we opened up a few Red Stripes and waited about 20 minutes until Pam came back and opened the door. It was an odd situation and I WAS scared for a few moments. Rita: See, Lolita, that’s how to do it.

{mospagebreak title=All Going Out Together}



Lolita: Last month JOHN KANAVOS won a banner on thenoise-boston.com and thenoiseboard.com by naming the reference used in the title of the final paragraph of our column. John’s answer was, “A Big Dipper song, and possibly the second greatest song ever written by a Boston band—the greatest being ‘Pancake’ by the Swirlies.” Rita: Now, if you’d like to win a banner, tell us which band reviewed last month had their show interrupted by the fire department? The first correct answer emailed to tmaxnoise@aol.com wins. Lolita: Now, here are the shows we think are worth your time and money… DIABOLIS IN MUSICA, our favorite 13th century band, is at King Richard’s Faire 2009 in Carver, MA, on Oct 17, 18, 24, and 25. *** MUCK & THE MIRES invade the Middle East upstairs on Friday, 10/9. *** The ultimate horror band, VOODOO SCREW MACHINE, spits up blood at the Dodge Street Grill on Saturday, 10/10. *** On Sunday 10/11, pray with THE BAGS at Church. *** Night of the Living Deadhead employs MARC PINANSKY (Township) at Zuzu on Monday, 10/12. *** We keep hearing good things about UKULELE NOIR. They’re at Johnny D’s on Tuesday, 10/13. *** LEO BLAIS opens the night at T.T. the Bear’s on Friday, 10/16. *** We'll meet you in Copley Square at 1:00pm on Saturday, 10/17, to protest against the war in Afghanistan and Iraq. The ralley will be followed by a march through the streets of Boston. *** JAKE & THE JAKES take it to Uncle Eddie’s in Salisbury on Saturday, 10/24. *** Same night AD FRANK & THE FAST EASY WOMEN celebrate their record release at Great Scott. *** On Sunday, 10/25, the subtle ANAL CUNT plays shy, downstairs at the Middle East. *** There will be two sneak preview screenings of Drive-In Horrorshow at the Studio Cinema in Belmont, MA—Friday, 10/30 at midnight, and Saturday, 10/31, at 1:00pm. *** NANCY NEON throws her Halloween party at the Cantab on Saturday, 10/31, featuring GIRL ON TOP. *** PIXIES play the Citi Performing Arts Center in Boston on Friday, 11/27, and Saturday, 11/28. Rita: Go see a local band this week. Buy their CD and T-shirt. It will mean a lot to them. Lolita: We hope you experience more treats than tricks.

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