OUR EYES ON YOU: March 2009

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ONLINE-ONLY
JUST FOR MARCH

Rita: Welcome to our annual
March online-only issue. It’s a great time of year to jumpstart the
old computer head over to thenoise-boston.com and read about the starving
artists who continue to entertain you under the most grueling situations.
Lolita
: I’m so excited about how exhilarating this winter has
been. I don’t think I’ve ever done this much shoveling, and it’s
the first time I’ve ever had to scrape ice, six inches thick, off
a roof. Rita: Why didn’t you get your boyfriend to do that?
Lolita
: Well, he had a gig and then he was tired and then he was
hungry and then he wanted more of you know what. Rita: Wouldn’t
it be fun to have a Mr. Fixit boyfriend who does all the work that you
have no idea how to do? My bedroom phone jack hasn’t been operating
for a couple of months. I wish someone would just come over and hook
me up. Lolita: Maybe you need to invent a bio-mechanical boyfriend
who can be programmed to fill your needs. Rita: I think this
item would sell. Let’s see if our friends have any ideas for other
inventions. Lolita: Good idea, I think I’ll email them so I
don’t have to stand on the corner of Mark Sandman Square freezing
my butt off. HEY LOOK. THE CAPS KEY IS STUCK. CAN WE GET SOMEONE
TO FIX THIS? T MAX: WHAT’S THE PROblem? It wasn’t broken.
Lolita
: Maybe you should stick around and help us more. Do you have
any email addresses I COULD USE TO ASK THE QUESTION OF THE MONTH—OH
LOOK, THE CAPS KEY IS STUCK AGAIN. T MAX:
YOU JUST HAVE TO hit it again and it fixes itself. Lolita: Okay.
Can you stand there and hit it when it gets stuck? Where’s Joel’s
email? I heard he like Peeps. He’s such a nice man. There we go…
email sent. Now just sit back and wait to hear what inventions are on
the minds of our friendly rockers.

{mospagebreak title=INVENTIONS IN THE MAKING}

R&LAndersonMar.jpg

INVENTIONS IN THE MAKING

Rita: Ten minutes later, Joel’s
is in our inbox with an invention he’d like to see… JOEL SIMCHES
(Count Zero/Axemunkee): I want my Jetcar! We were promised that in the
21st century we'd all have one! Well, where is it? *** ANDERSON MAR
(Dark Sky Productions/ Paul Green School of Rock): A car that runs on
piss. Drunk men could make themselves useful by filling up everyone's
tanks after last call at the local neighborhood dive bar, and we would
no longer have to worry about the price of gas being higher than Courtney
Love! *** VELKRO (POWERMAN 5000): I think it's time for new social
website features to be created: for example, a highly interactive one
that uses the power of bots, eBay, Craigslist, Google ads, and case-based
reasoning to monitor people’s blogs, comments, and private messages
for the good of mankind that brings people, their dreams and needs together.
For instance, someday I envision a world where you can blog about how
you need a new muffler for your car but can't afford the price you got
from your mechanic, so as soon as you click "post" on your
blog, a background bot contacts every mechanic shop in your town via
an eBay-style job bidding widget, hopefully connecting you to whomever
submits the lowest bid. I see it working for business, housing, job
searches, and even dating. I think it's easier to blog about your problems
then it is to go out and do something about it, so this feature would
improve a lot of people’s lives. *** ANDY MILK (the Vital Might):
This one is easy. Teleportation. While I love hours in the car with
my bandmates driving nine hours to Pittsburgh, everything about touring
would be better if at least PART of it could be teleportation. Instead
of fast food three times a day, you could pop home for a healthy meal.
Forget something at the practice space? ZAP. Can't miss your mom's birthday?
ZAP. Need a shower to wash off the Jello? ZAP. No one believes me it'll
happen in the next 100 years. People 100 years ago would shit their
pants if they saw what we could do now. *** BRIAN OWENS (The
Rampage Trio): I spend a lot of time on the road and there's nothing
worse than getting behind someone in their car who is on a cell phone
conference call to Iceland. Don't get me wrong, I'll love people from
Iceland. Especially since they’re passing out Omega 3 pills like orange
sunshine. I propose that someone invent a cell-phone-in-use detector
device that will warn me what cars are up ahead that I should steer
clear from. That would contribute greatly to helping me clean up my
use of vulgar language as well as giving my middle digits a rest. Oh
yeah, and a guitar shaped PEZ dispenser wouldn't be bad either. Whatever
costs less. *** JON MACEY (Fox Pass/ Urban Caravan): I would
like a contraption that could bring to life any image from the past.
You place the headset on and you become completely immersed in a virtual
reality. Then you can conjure up a memory and relive the moment, even
in slo-mo if you choose, with all senses engaged. What would I do with
such a device? Well, it would have nothing to do with sex…. ***
JONATHAN ULMAN
(Common Thrill): If I could wish for something to
be invented, besides the obvious cure for cancer, I think I would like
to have a music player embedded in my head that would play music based
on my mood at the time. I seem to always find myself in situations where
if only the perfect song were playing in my head, the whole setting
of the event would be that much more powerful. I mean seriously, how
many times do you wish Keith Sweat’s "Twisted" were playing
in your head when making moves on someone? *** JOE COUGHLIN (the
Noise
): A machine that plays clear images and sound from your head,
because I have THE craziest dreams in the world. People freak out when
I just describe them, they're that intense. The size and scope
of these things dwarf any special effects or whatever by light years.
I know I'd make millions charging people to see this stuff. *** JAY
ALLEN
(Jay Allen & the Arch Criminals): As a child of the ’60s
and ’70s I feel I was legitimately promised flying cars by the turn
of the century. They are now at least 10 years overdue, at least according
to the Jetsons, the Hanna-Barbera version of Nostradamus. Lolita:
I guess flying cars are the most sought-after invention among our friends.
Rita
: Wouldn’t a small airplane serve as a flying car? JAY
ALLEN
: No, everyone would have a flying car and that would be your
main mode of transit. Small planes are still very exclusive and only
get you airport to airport. How do you get from the airport to where
you have to go? Why, the flying car of course. Lolita: Then we’d
have to have a new expression for a hitchhiker for flying cars. In fact—the
term flying car has to go. Can we come up with something more hi-tech
sounding?

{mospagebreak title=NEWS THAT FLAPS}

NEWS THAT FLAPS

Lolita: How ’bout we call
the flying car our “personal trajectory transport”? Rita:
That’s what’s wrong with modern terminology. What did the word “car”
mean before automobiles existed? Nothing. What we name the flying car
doesn’t have to explain the invention so precisely. How ’bout something
like a “flap.” Lolita: Okay, I like that. I can flap
over to see you at 3:00. Rita: While Lolita is flapping, here
is the latest local rock news… The 8th Annual Independent
Music Awards announced that MARTIN SEXTON
won in the Live Performance Album category for his career-spanning retrospective
CD entitled Solo; DAN ZANES (x-Del Fuegos) took top honors
in the Children’s Album category with Nueva York. *** The Iguana
Music Fund and the Passim Folk Music & Cultural Center (the legendary
club where Bob Dylan and Joan Baez got their starts) gave THREE DAY THRESHOLD an award acknowledging the band’s musical achievements.
***
ANGELA SAWYER has
opened Weirdo Records (844 Mass Ave., Central Square, Cambridge). ***
P.A.'s is proud to announce the addition of
JEN GUTHRIE to the staff as the new booking manager! *** Clear Conscience
Cafe and booker ADAM SHERMAN ended their working relationship.
*** USA Today included Irma Thomas's version of the WHAT TIME IS IT MR. FOX song
"Cold Rain" in their top Grammy-nominated playlist. ***
EPILEPTIC DISCO, the band that
got a lot of folks pissed about their name, played their reunion at
Church on
Saturday, February 21,
2009. *** Mr. Inappropriate Productions gave AD FRANK a stern
talking to when Ad changed change his name to MC wid da Flava. After
the talk Mr. Flava agreed to switch back to his original name—the
one that we frequently confuse with Plus Hotdog. *** AMANDA PALMER
(the Dresden Dolls) continues to circle the globe with success in every
port. Lately she’s involved with ninja ukulele appearances. *** THE UPPER CRUST appear on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (CBS) on Monday, 3/16 at 12:35 AM (which is actually Tuesday morning if you want to get technical). ***
AJDA THE TURKISH QUEEN
is touring with MARTIN BISI (producer
of the Dresden Dolls, Swans, Ginger Baker and hundreds of others) as
his backup vocalist. *** WZBC (90.3 FM) programming is now archived
online for two weeks. You can access the mp3's and links to the
corresponding playlists at
http://zbconline.com. *** THE SOUND MUSEUM celebrates its 25 anniversary—watch
for at least one celebratory show in May at the Magic Room in Brighton.
*** While on tour heading south THE ERIC BAYLIES BAND’s mini school
bus caught fire and had to be scrapped. The band had to rent a van that
they couldn’t afford for the next two weeks. *** ANNGELLE WOOD
is working on a future show for Boston Emissions of favorite cover
songs by local bands. *** Tribute band AGE AGAINST THE MACHINE recorded
an original song for WWE wrestler Jack Swaggar and he became champ.
The song, “Get on Your Knees,” was played in arenas all over the
world, then YouTube, then national TV; then it was released on Columbia
Records and debuted at number one on Billboard’s soundtrack
chart (it’s at number 11 in the top 200). Lolita: I guess that
kind of excellent track record is what it takes for a song to become
a hit these days.

{mospagebreak title=WHO IS HI-TECH?}

WHO’S HI-TECH?

Rita: Hey Lolita! Still want
something more hi-tech than an airplane? Go find out who has that hi-tech
knack. Text all the people you know who are up on the latest hi-tech
gadgets—see what they have. Lolita: I’m right on it…
MARYBETH MAES
(Marybeth Maes): I love my GPS! I figured out how
to get it to swear! I saved my home address in my favorites as a swear-word,
(rather than "home," as that is so boring) and it announces
that I am 300 feet from ^*&!@&* on the right! It's a riot. ***
JAMES LOCKRIDGE
(bigheavyworld.com): My 1988 4Runner does 70 up
my mountain in snow. Technology can't help me—I'm all set. ***
LUCRETIA X. MACHINA
(Lucretia's Daggers): I’m still using my 10-year-old
desktop, telephone landline, and just starting to listen to online radio,
my "hi-techness" consists of writing emails to my webmasters
(bassist Odetta Mo and videographer Sam among them) with instructions
of how to edit LD's website. I'm good at editing and adding code to
the LD MySpace and doing web searches, however. Eh, I'm all about the
email. *** JIMMY HUGHES (Turtle Ambulance): We use Christmas
lights in our shows… also I have a lot of RAM. *** KIER BYRNES
(Three Day Threshold): I'm not very hi-tech but our drummer Eric is.
In addition to being a walking Mr. Gadget, he's a ham radio operator.
When we go on the road, our truck looks like a scared porcupine because
of all his radio antennas popping out of it. *** WILL DAILEY
(Will Dailey): It has been four years but I still think checking my
email on my cell phone is incredibly hi-tech. Other than that I hacked
my iPhone, used it for two years then sold it at a profit online. I
felt high from that. *** DAMIAN DAVID (4" Stud): I'm the
"hi-techiest" with this phone that now I can take pictures,
text the ladies, call my bookie, play poker with Shannon Elizabeth (seriously),
watch my diet, quit smoking, check my calendar, email family, access
eBay, check my stocks, pay bills and parking tickets, see who won, level
a picture frame, find the best route to the packy store, and look at
porn while bored at church… of course it's set to silent so I'm not
rude. *** MIKE MALONE (Orb Mellon): I'm really just an analog
guy in a digital world. That said, I'm sort of an unfortunate Crackberry
addict as well. *** DARRON BURKE (Makeshift Studio/ Blanketeer):
My best friend Mark calls me Mr. Technical. As a kid I took everything
apart. Now, as an adult, I can put things together! One of my jobs is
building microphones. I service and rebuild all of my recording studio
gear. I'm fastidious about keeping drum hardware torqued-up and tight.
Lolita
: I’m the same about my posterior software—it’s always
soft to the touch but tight as a drum. Just the way my men like it.

{mospagebreak title=MUSICAL CHAIRS}

MUSICAL CHAIRS

Rita: As Miss Flabby Ass tries
to impress you with her imagination, I’ll give you the nuts
and bolts that make up fresh bands—I’m talking about the members
of newly formed bands. JESSE GALLAGHER (Apollo Sunshine) has
gathered COLLIN McRAE (violin), CHRISTOPHER LIER (trumpet),
and PAUL DILLEY (upright bass) to form the JESSE GALLAGHER QUARTET.
*** FINNY MOORE (x-Victory at Sea/ Robots) is playing solo now.
*** SUMMERDUCKS includes members of NIGHT RALLY, TINY AMPS, and THE
COMMON COLD. *** JENNY DEE & THE DEELINQUENTS are JENNY DEE
(vocals), ED VALAUSKAS (bass), PHIL AIKEN (keys), ERIC
SAULNIER
(guitar), TONY GODDESS (guitar), ERIC ANDERSON
(drums), and REBECCA DANGORA and AIMEE WEAKLEY (backing
vocals). *** TERRY ADAMS (NRBQ) has a new band called THE TERRY
ADAMS ROCK & ROLL WHEAT HORNS. *** PAT O’CONNELL has joined
CHANDLER TRAVIS PHILHARMONIC. *** Cellist KAREN LANGLIE (wife
of TWINK) has a solo project with an experimental/ electronic feel to
it. She calls it WISTERIAX. *** ROCK CITY CRIME WAVE played their last
show on 2/6/09. *** BIKINIRADIO includes members of THE MOTION SICK
and THE IN OUT. Lolita: The last time I wore a radio as a bikini
I was escorted off the beach… by the handsomest surfer dude.

{mospagebreak title=FAVORITE CLOTHES}

FAVORITE CLOTHES

Rita: Many people know that
Lolita’s radio is one of her favorite pieces of clothing. But not
everyone is that adventurous. Here’s what some other folks told us
was their favorite piece of clothing. ED SYMKUS (Community
Newspaper Company): I love my shirt (with a nod to Donovan Leitch).
***
MONIQUE ORTIZ
(Monique Ortiz): My favorite piece of clothing is
my red motorcycle jacket. It's older than I am and I'll wear it until
it falls apart. *** NEIL SIMMONS (the Living Sea): My security
blanket. I'm kind of like Linus, only I'm 30 years old, not 6. ***
LINDA VIENS
(Angeline/ SuperPeople): My favorite piece of clothing
is my full-length fluffy black fake fur dress… very Morticia Adamsish.
*** STEVE "ACE" McARDLE (Skull Hammer): It's a toss-up
between my 30-06 bullet belt I got from an old ex-army friend or my
studded leather guitar strap I made from another strap, an old belt
and a five-inch saw blade. *** JESSE VON KENMORE (the New Allibis):
Baroness Von Kenmore’s tight gray business suit—in a pile on the
bedroom floor. *** AJDA THE TURKISH QUEEN (Black Fortress of
Opium): My fave piece of clothing is a very swanky faux fur coat I got
in Turkey after my mom died. It has a blinged-out belt buckle
and zipper. Brian Jones was my fashion inspiration for it.
Now I just need furry boots to match it! *** BILLY CARL MANCINI
(Bird Mancini): I've got a pair of vintage navy blue Levi’s cords
that are so comfortable and so soft. I've been wearing them for so many
years that I can no longer be seen in public with them. They are beginning
to wear so thin the cords are disappearing. Soon there will be no pants
at all. Now that will be extra comfort! *** MIKE PIEHL (Reverse):
My dickie. *** ERIC WELSH (ChillHouse Studios): My favorite garments
are these black hoodies I got while touring with the Pixies. One
of them is really thick like a winter jacket! *** RAY MASON (Ray
Mason Band/ Lonesome Brothers): It’s a tossup between my NRBQ 35th
Anniversary Reunion Concert T-shirt and my red Converse hi-tops. Are
shoes considered clothing? Either way they're both essential wear! ***
RUBY BIRD
(Bird Mancini/Urban Caravan): I wear my black cowboy boots
with jeans, shorts, skirts, even formal dresses… everything! *** TIM DINNEEN
(Singuya): The hat. It’s one of the most expressive pieces of clothing
you can wear. It tells people if you’re a sports fan (baseball hat),
a cowboy (cowboy hat), a pretty boy (a kangol hat), slick Rick (fedora),
a little more down and dirty (trucker hat), a hunter (boonie hat) and
the list goes on. Not to mention that within each hat style you have
an even larger customization combination. The hat you wear on any given
night lets people know the kinda mood you’re in especially when you
put on your drinking hat. Lolita: Note to readers: make sure
your drinking hat is waterproof. Take it from me—I ruined my dress
when the wine seeped right through my knitted drinking hat.

{mospagebreak title=LIVE SHOWS}

LIVE SHOWS

Rita: Well it’s time to put
on your gig hat and get out and see one of your favorite local bands.
Here are some shows we recommend… Every Wednesday in March DENNIS
BRENNAN
holds residency at the Lizard Lounge. *** THE VIDEO GAME
ORCHESTRA (guess what they play) hits the stage on Thursday, 3/5, at
Berklee. The 90-member VGO is a 45-piece orchestra, 40-piece choir,
and 5-piece rock band, with players from over 20 countries who are students
at Berklee, Boston University, Boston Conservatory, and New England
Conservatory. *** WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE destroys the Midway on Saturday,
3/7. *** On Sunday, 3/8, DESTROY BABYLON brings their dub rawkin’
reggae style to Great Scott. *** THE PRIME MOVERS’ final gig that
we reported would happen on 1/16 didn’t happen—the new final gig
is Friday, 3/13, at the Dilboy VFW in Davis Sq.—it’s CAM ACKLAND’s
birthday bash. *** On that same night THE BIG DISAPPOINTMENTS play right before the newest member of the Noise Hall of Fame, RICK BERLIN, at the Midway. *** THE REAL KIDS bring old school Boston rock to the
Cantab on Saturday, 3/14. *** Same night THROWING MUSES are downstairs
at the Middle East. *** ALLOY ORCHESTRA performs live to the silent
film The Last Command at Somerville Theatre on Saturday, 3/14,
at 8:00 pm. This is a Boston premiere. *** Dance to SOUL-LE-LU-JAH on Saturday, 3/20, (as you can on every Saturday) at Zuzu. *** Last month’s cover girl,
SARAH RABDAU
provides the entertainment with her Self-Employed Assassins
at the Middle East on Monday, 3/23.
***
On
Saturday, 3/28, JOHN POWHIDA
INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT de-ices its landing strip at T.T. the Bear’s.
*** Our old friend BERTRAND LAWRENCE (husband of SUZI LEE of
Mardi Gras/Slide fame) brings in his friends to play blues from France
at Johnny D’s on the last day of the month, Tuesday, 3/31.


RIP: LAUREL BOWMAN from the bands Proletariat, Lumen, and Keemun died
on 1/26/09.
RIP: JEFF SPENCER, lead singer of the Memphis Rockabilly Band, passed
away on 2/11/09.
RIP: JEANNE CONNOLLY, bartender/band booker from T.T. the Bear’s,
died on 2/16/09.

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