: Hello comrades. It’s May 2008—Mother’s Day will go on as scheduled—so will a war based on lies—and we’re still supposed to pay attention to our health. Those are the three topics we’ll discus in this column. Lolita: I remember when all we talked about was sex. Rita: Yeah, you still do. How did your Lovefest go? Lolita: Thanks for asking. It was love-squared event. Well, all except that time during the Peace Chorus set when a fight broke out because of someone refusing to move out of the way of the video camera. We are such a loving community. I had to single-handedly balance out the love during the night. Rita: So it was just another night out for the lusty Lolita? Lolita: Yeah, though the group activity included a lot of newcomers. I like those young ones who are quick to show their appreciation. Rita: Let’s move on to appreciating the females that brought us into this world—our mothers. Go ask everyone to tell us something special about his or her mom. There’s Edrie with those strange eyelashes—go ask her.

{mospagebreak title=MOTHERS’ DAY}


            Lolita: Edrie, what is it with those fantastic eye-thingiemagigs? EDRIE (Walter Sickert & the Army of Broken Toys): I made these feathered lashes from hand-dyed pink feathers. Then affixed them to my visage with a secret concoction of spirit gum, black bear secretions, and human spit. They are based on a design commonly worn by Clara Bow, whose sultry looks I aspire to. She had to use her eyes to communicate plots in silent films. Someday I hope you ask me about my frilly undies—which I also make by hand. Lolita: Yes, I’m very interested in them, but I’m supposed to ask you about your mom. Tell me something about her. EDRIE: My mother was the first person I ever saw dance on a bar. She was Coyote Ugly before those girls were out of diapers and she can still out stomp, out-dance, and out-shoot the best of ’em. *** PREACHER JACK (Preacher Jack): Lady Esther (as I call my dear mother) was born on Easter Day 91 years ago this past Easter. Lady Esther is a remarkable woman, she now lives 2000 miles away in Santa Cruz California in an assisted living facility but still manages to this very day to chastise me if she feels I am being lazy or unproductive! As a singer, mom was a second place finisher on the Major Bowes Talent Contest radio show in 1939 (which was a national contest), I attribute all my God-given talent to this wonderful lady whose wisdom (and at times financial support) I STILL seek out as often as possible. God bless you, Mother. *** ANNA PRICE (The Silver Lining): My mom is an extremely bright, intuitive, and creative person. She was a professional actress who studied at the London Central School of Drama and later became a psychiatric nurse.  She now has her own holistic health practice and is a successful counselor and businesswoman. My dad died when I was 12 and my mom essentially raised us four kids by herself.  She is a very strong person who in many ways I look up to and I love her dearly. *** JOE COUGHLIN (The Noise): She was the best. A talented painter and pianist.  Highly susceptible to all paranormal activity, she once successfully predicted the ending scores of all Bruins’ games for an entire season. We saw UFOs together twice (later verified by a government worker who’d been assigned to the incidents). Sang in an Andrews Sisters-type act with my two aunts, managed by Don Costa, who went on to work with Frank Sinatra. Also very impulsive, she once bid $500 on a pair of Rudolf Nureyev’s ballet slippers during the Channel 2 auction (she lost). And my birthday is May 11. Miss you, Marie. *** KIER BYRNES (Three Day Threshold): Last Christmas we had to bail my mom out of jail. It wasn’t pretty but the holidays just didn’t seem right without her.  So much so, actually, that I had to write a song about it. *** MICHAEL BLOOM (Sgt. Maxwell’s Peace Chorus): Good news for this Mother’s Day, my mom’s in remission. *** AJDA THE TURKISH QUEEN (Black Fortress of Opium): My mother, Belma Arlsantas Snyder (RIP), who passed on New Year’s Eve 2006, was a very virtuous woman.  She was an excellent old world mama, and a patient, tolerant wife.  I miss her dearly, but she is with me in a new way. *** JON MACEY (Fox Pass/ Urban Caravan): Thankfully, my mother is still alive. She is a highly intelligent, but an existentially frustrated person, being of the generation where woman had few options outside of motherhood. She also deserves an award for surviving my teenage and early adult years. *** SAMMY MIAMI (Shööt The Möön): My mom worked at the Rat. She was the first female bar back to sling cases in 1975. She snuck her under-aged brother Alan into the bar to see Thundertrain perform live. His buddy Dave saw Thundertrain too and they were both so inspired, they started their own band called O-Positive. So yeah, my mom rocks! Lolita: Yeah, I was there. I remember trying to wrestle my boyfriend away from that female bar back. Those beer-carrying muscles were too much for my feminine physique and had to give him up. So I hooked up with MACH BELL (Thundertain) that night.

Rita: Where has that Mach Bell been lately? Lolita: After the operation on his vocal cords, Mach, at least temporarily, retired from the big stage to work with his students at putting rock shows together. Rita: Well, someone has to pass on the knowledge to the next generation. Lolita: That’s exactly what they do at the Paul Green School of Rock. Keep an eye on listing for their Black Sabath and Doors shows coming up in June that will feature all their students. *** Tired of all the court costs involved with their illegal activities, THE ILLEGALS felt it was time to go legal—so they changed their name to THE NIGHT TERRORS. Note: all their acts of terror are perfectly legal. *** APOLLO SUNSHINE’s record label, Spin Art, went out of business so the band managed to get their two albums re-released with a few bonus tracks. Apollo Sunshine now includes the tracks “U & I” and “Strange Things” and Katonah features a 20-minute video documentary about the building of the barn, the recording of the album, and the band live.  Their albums are now available overseas for the first time ever. *** The Paradise Lounge closed its doors on April 1st. It’s no April fools day joke that the place will reopen as a restaurant when renovations are complete. *** Local winners of the 2007 International Song Competition include RYAN MONTBLEAU (“If It Comes Around”), GRACE KELLY (“10”), and CARLA RYDER (“Lonesome Town”). *** On 4/7/08 KIER BYRNES (Three Day Threshold) was hanging out with VANILLA ICE. Four days later Mr. Ice was under arrest. Either Kier is a narc or he’s selling snoofer. Lolita: I doubt if he’s a narc because he seems to be under the effects of snoofer all the time. You can see it in the strange movement in his eyebrows and the way he eats as if someone was going to steal his food. And also by the snoofer he offered me when I asked, “got any snoofer?” (Legal note: snoofer is a perfectly legal substance. Kier is an upright citizen)

{mospagebreak title=YOUR HEALTH} 

            Rita: So Lolita, you snoof too? Doesn’t it burn out the rods and cones in your eyes? The Red Sox start looking like they’re celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. Summer squash gets mistaken for zucchini? Red Invasion becomes a blues band. Lolita: No, I don’t snoof. Just because someone offers it to me after I ask them for it doesn’t mean that I actually melt the substance down to a liquid and rub it in my eyes. Rita: Then what do you do with it? Lolita: I mix it with lime juice and marinade tofu with it. It’s really good for your health. You know Omega 3 fatty acids—well this is like Omega 15 fatty acids. Rita: Very interesting. Why don’t you go find out what other things people do to keep up their health. There’s Slimey, he must be a real health nut—go find out his secrets. Lolita: Slimey, how do you do it? Does Mrs. Slimedog have healing powers? Or has Zortar shown you the fountain of youth? SLIMEDOG (the Noise): This is the only time I’ve answered something serious because I think health is very important. For the last twenty years I’ve exercised, had a balanced diet, taken vitamins, and drank water. It’s something I’d recommend for everyone. I still drink too much but who wants to get as old as someone like T Max? Lolita: That’s exactly what I asked T Max. His reply was, “These amps go up to 11.” Now let’s get on with other health tips. ALLAN KRAUT (Rat/ Linwood): I tried taking fish oil for dry skin seven years ago and noticed that my mild anxiety subsided. I told my friend in medical research about it and she said the tests between anxiety and Omega 3 fish oils were inconclusive. I didn’t even know they were testing for that! It changed my life and I hope others can benefit. I take one every day. Trader Joe’s or Costco has good deals. Better than Prozac. *** JJ RASSLER (The Downbeat 5): I make sure the gravy and cheese I have on my french fries is of the highest quality available, whenever possible. *** DJ MATTHEW GRIFFIN (the Noise): I’m no spring chicken anymore, so I have to watch my intake. I avoid salt and monitor my caffeine, only one cup a day. Anything that will keep my blood pressure down, since high blood pressure is hereditary for me. I rarely go out drinking (would you believe!) and don’t take drugs anymore. There is a certain point in age, when the body cannot handle these sorts of pleasures. I still enjoy going to hardcore shows, watching the assholes beating the shit out of one another. I always found it to be a good stress reliever and it’s pretty sexy. Lolita: I know of another way to relieve stress—and it’s sexier than watching hardcore bullies knock people over. *** KEN FIELD (Revolutionary Snake Ensemble/ Birdsongs of the Mesozoic): I try not to worry too much. (Including about my health!)  As chair of the Cambridge bicycle committee, I also try to use my bike instead of my car as much as possible. (We encourage everyone else to do that too, for their own health, for the health of the environment, and to reduce traffic and parking problems for those who choose or need to drive.) *** RICK BERLIN (Rick Berlin): I don’t drink ONE DAY a week. Gee wow, Rick… like that’s some big abstinence. See, I read about this New York drag queen who claimed it was good for her liver. She of The Year of Magical Drinking. *** LINDA VIENS (Angeline/ Peace Chorus): I have recently started meditating as a way to help myself move through deep, old, pain, and grief.  The healing that happens, as the thoughts and memories flood through, and are examined and released… is astonishing… I can feel that there will be true health benefits over time. Worth trying for all! *** CHUCK U. ROSINA (WMFO/ WMBR): Being healthy is key to being able to enjoy life. I’ve always balanced my “bad” habits (eating chocolate, caffeine, sugar) with good ones (fruit and vegetables). Alcohol and other mind-altering substances are balanced by regular exercise. Nine months of the year, bicycling is a main mode of transportation about town. Healthy body equals productive mind.  Fun is important too.  Dance more, and rock on! Lolita: Tips from the experts on youthful aging. Now go practice. You can start by playing Musical Chairs.

{mospagebreak title=MUSICAL CHAIRS}
            Rita: When the music stops—grab a chair. No chair? You’re out. Here’s who is in and out of some of the bands we love. THE RUDDS have picked up JOHN BROOKHOUSE (the Dirty Truckers) as their new guitarist——and ANDREA GILLIS is no longer officially in the band. Lolita: We say officially because we did see Andrea sit in on a couple of songs at Lolita’s Lovefest. *** DAVE UNGER (Random Road Mother/ Antler), GREG HOFFMAN (Doc Hopper/ Roadmother Daltonic), TJ KIERSTED (Neon Jesus/ Huge), STAN DAY (Oxycontinentals), and CHRIS COUGHLIN (x-Kiren Ridge Band) and are now collectively known as CROPDUSTER. *** ELIAS has joined TRIPLE THICK on bass. *** STRAWHORSE members STEVEN KILROY, GREG MOORE, GENE JOHNSON, and LA SEPULVEDA, once signed to MCA, are threatening to make a bid for a reunion—keep an eye on the barn. *** Bassist ODETTA MO EXCRUCIOR (Melika M. Fitzhugh), and drummer/synth programmer LEON RICH have joined the ranks of LUCRETIA’S DAGGERS. The band is still seeking a keyboard player. Lolita: At the end of every round of Musical Chairs a player gets knocked out. In the game of war, soldiers and anyone who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time can have the life knocked out of them. Let’s move on to the current figures involving the loss of life in the Iraq war. We don’t bring this up to depress you. We want you to never forget that people are dying because our president had an agenda to see through at any cost. Lying to start a war is so much worse than murdering one person. Hopefully we will see justice done within our lifetime.

{mospagebreak title=WAR CASUALTIES}
            Rita: Lolita, this is what I’d like you to go ask everyone, Without looking it up, give us three figures—how many American soldiers have died in the Iraq war, how much money has been spent on the war, and how many total casualties have been caused by that same war? Lolita: I’ll get right on it. There’s one of my worst enemies—he should know the answer to that. STEPHEN PRYGODA (My Own Worst Enemy): 1. 4,000 US soldiers 2. 300 billion (seems ridiculous to even type! But I think that’s what I last heard…) 3. Over 40,000 total casualties? *** BOB GOBRON (Shakyfoot): 1. The current DoD statistics on the Iraq War say just over 4000 US soldiers KIA and I think something like six times that number wounded. That doesn’t account for soldiers who fall victim to suicide, substance abuse, or other loss of life stemming from high-risk behavior directly related to combat experience. 2. Some say a billion a month. Barak Obama is using a 1 trillion dollar figure. That’s $1×10^12 before it’s all over. 3. I heard an Amnesty International figure of 1.2 million Iraqis have died since the invasion. Gruesome. Like Lady MacBeth wringing her hands we will be. “Out, out damned spot!” *** SCOTT MATALON (Monolith): Way too many of our brave soldiers have died (more than 4,000), way too much money has been spent unnecessarily (over $500 BILLION by the US alone) and a completely unacceptable amount of human casualties (around 500,000 including civilians) have resulted from this conflict which we started based upon two completely falsified claims (there were no WMD’s and absolutely NO connection between Al Qaeda and Iraq), and yet, ABSOLUTELY NO legal action nor any significant investigation has been undertaken against our President and his staff for their lies or for this horrifying travesty.  Considering we crucified Clinton for getting some head, which isn’t a crime, we should be putting George W. in jail for a very, very long time. *** SHAUN WOLF WORTIS (Gato Malo): US Soldiers: Over 4000; money: At least one trillion; Total casualties: Lord knows! 100,000? 130,000? Could be way more. *** AARON GRAY (Milo’s Syndicate): Too many, too much, and too many. *** LIZ BORDEN (Liz Borden Band): Thousands of American soldiers have died and just as many have been wounded. One is too many. The news just said four more soldiers have died. Total causalities would include soldiers from other countries and civilians, I can’t even guess. The numbers must be really high! Billions have been spent on this war. Bring the soldiers home, put the money into our country, and let’s try to live in peace. Lolita: Is that too much to ask. War doesn’t lead to peace. Acts of war create more enemies to fuel future acts of terrorism.

{mospagebreak title=CLUB SCENE}
Rita: Let’s support acts that we’re proud of. Here is a list of decent musicians acting in a positive way to bring people together to entertain them.  RAMONA SILVER is at the Lizard Lounge on Saturday, 5/3. *** THE CLYDESDALE COWBOYS round ’em up at the Cantab on Friday, 5/9. *** MYSTERY TRAMPS release their CD at the Middle East on Saturday, 5/10, at 1:00 (all-ages), while GOZU releases their CD later that night from the same stage. Both shows are brought to you by Team Shred. *** Same night THE CAMPAIGN FOR REAL-TIME headlines at Great Scott. *** SALVATORE BAGLIO performs at the Cantab on Friday, 5/16. *** On Saturday 5/17 WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE is at Church. *** That same night catch THE GREAT BANDINI at T.T’s. *** BLACK FORTRESS OF OPIUM create the mood on Tuesday, 5/20, at the Middle East. *** ROCK BOTTOM rocks Johnny D’s on Friday 5/23. *** Same night VAGIANT closes the show at the Abbey Lounge. *** STEM holds their CD release at O’Brien’s on Saturday, 5/24. *** THE INCREDIBLE CASUALS are back for their 28th summer at the Wellfleet Beachcomer—they start on Sunday, 5/25, 4:00pm-8:00pm. Lolita: You’ll literally see more of us now that the weather is cooperating. See ya!
RIP: TINA DeLELLIS owner of Johnny D’s passed away suddenly on April 8, 2008. Our sympathies are with her family and friends.

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